Coronavirus Badges

The Only Way to Get People to Follow the Damn Rules!

Who would’ve thought it would take a worldwide pandemic in order to get people to actually wash their hands? Not you! You’ve been practicing proper hygiene before it was cool (or government mandated). From public bars to dealing with SARS, you take your sweet, sweet time, scrub for the entire 20 seconds, AND you use scalding hot water. In fact, you wash your hands so often, you’ve gotten used to the cracking and bleeding. Hey, it’s a small price to pay to keep the rest of humanity safe.

You’ve been battling with a mortal enemy long before COVID-19 reared its ugly head. This preexisting condition has given you more anxiety than all of Trump’s tweets combined. Of course, we’re talking about your FOMO! For all of the boomers out there, Fear Of Missing Out has been terrorizing us millennials since the moment we created our first AIM screen names. Despite your yearning for human connection (i.e. your weekly watch party for The Bachelor), you did what’s best and forced yourself to stay home. After all, you’ve been playing beer pong with water in the cups since that outbreak of Swono (i.e. Swine flu and Mono) back in college which means you know how to party responsibly.

Sure, nothing sounds more gross than sweating your ass off a few feet away from where you eat dinner, but you did the damn thing and worked out at home! You changed into your best athleisure, laced up those overpriced Nikes, and…decided to binge American Ninja Warrior. That counts, right? I mean, by the time you’re finished, you’re sweating as much as they are! That shit is stressful and your heart rate is easily above 180 bpm for most of it. Besides, you’re saving up for a Peloton, which means you’ll end up getting it just in time for the curve to flatten and your gym to reopen.

It’s no secret small businesses are hurting, but you stepped up and did your civic duty! You know what’s not a secret? The fact that you selflessly killed two birds with one stone and had your local coffee shop deliver coffee and donuts to the nearest hospital so the nurses and doctors had something to look forward to in between shifts. This isn’t a secret because you’ve been posting about it every five minutes on Instagram. You’ve also been posting all of the healthy meals you’ve been making at home with all of the free time you have but, behind the scenes, you’re having DoorDash deliver Taco Bell every three hours. Hey, it’s the one around the corner so they count as “local,” right?

From the moment the Coronavirus made its way into your Facebook feed, you knew shit was going to hit the fan real quick. Thanks to self preservation and your proclivity for epic poops, you also felt that sudden urge to speed to your local ALDI and buy as much toilet paper as humanly possible. However, you took a deep breath and realized that would just be crazy and selfish. You kept a level head, avoided feeding into mass hysteria, and only bought enough for the next few weeks. Hey, if worse comes to worse, you have plenty of save the dates and wedding invites hanging on your fridge. Hell, some of them are even biodegradable!

Just because we’re all staying home doesn’t mean you have to interrupt your weekly game night with friends. You took some initiative, set up of Settlers of Catan, and jerry-rigged your laptop to show the entire board. It only took 45 minutes for you and your friends to work out all of the “technical difficulties” and get down to some good ‘ol fashioned manifest destiny. The only downside? One of your friends drank a little too much during their work’s remote happy hour and passed out midturn, so you ended up playing until 11 p.m. Maybe next time, you’ll stick to Cards Against Humanity

Wait a second, everyone else is staying home, too? Why? Coronavirus? Self-quarantining? You just thought it was another typical Friday night. It’s OK — you prefer your cats over your friends which means these next few months are going to be a piece of cake…just as long as you don’t forget to feed Whiskers again (she ended up pooping on your face while you slept). You had no idea, but you’ve been preparing for this all of your life: you always buy in bulk from Costco, you’d rather get teeth pulled then meet your friends out at a bar, and your bathroom closet makes Walgreens Pharmacy look like a lemonade stand. Now if only you could find Whiskers…

While distant family members are blasting out sound bites from Fox News or sharing posts from Wonkette, you’re taking the high road by flexing your newfound expertise on pandemic hygiene. Sure, all of this is coming straight from the World Health Organization’s website, but what if your friends don’t have internet access? Or a smartphone? Or critical thinking skills? Lucky for them, you’re on top of it! You’ve made it your mission to share only the most up-to-date information on social distancing. Speaking of social distancing, why won’t any of your friends call you back?

Just because you can’t hang out in-person with most of your friends doesn’t mean you don’t get to spend more time with your best friend. That’s right! You and your spouse have been up each others’ butts for the past few weeks and it’s only going to get better. While most of your friends in relationships are killing time binge shopping on Amazon, you made a real effort and left your phone in the bedroom. Not only that, you even made dinner tonight! Who’s judging you if you traded your phone screen in for your TV screen? After all, watching Love Is Blind is pretty much the same thing as talking about your relationship issues, right?

William Frazier is an experience designer, founder, and writer who is productively fumbling his way through a creative career. He’s also on Twitter.

I’m a designer and writer who enjoys making people smile.

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