Where are your pants?!?!
It’s 8:58 AM and you haven’t even brushed your teeth yet! (Eh, that can wait until after).
It’s now painfully obvious 11 PM was too late to open (another) bottle of wine on a Sunday night. What made you think last night was going to be any different?
You run into the bathroom, frantically drag a wet come through your hair, and wonder how the hell you’ve made it this far as an adult.
After juking around your kitchen island and leaping over two pets, you stumble into your office chair.
While you do your best to take a few deep breaths, you furiously click the Zoom icon like it will make it open any faster.
It hits you like a slap in the face — the dreaded pop-up window that reads:
“Please update Zoom.”
You let out a string of unintelligible curse words, click, “Update,” and silently mouth, “I’m sorry” to your roommate as they calmly enjoy a cup of coffee during their morning video chat. (How the hell do they wake up at 6 AM every single morning?!)
After what feels like an eternity, you fire up Zoom, preview your video so you don’t look like a complete cave gremlin, and finally join the call.
You feel your face flush as a co-worker stops mid-sentence to say, “Look who decided to join us!”
Trying your best to stay calm, you fire back with a semi-funny excuse involving a previous video chat with their mom running late.
“Uh, I think you’re on mute.”
“Fuck me,” you think (out loud) just in time to be heard coming off mute.
As everyone tries to feign ignorance, you say, “Uh, sorry about that. My alarm was on silent this morning. Won’t happen again!”
Now that you’ve made an entrance, you open up your PowerPoint deck with this week’s goals, share your screen, and ask if everyone can see said screen.
“I think you’re sharing the wrong screen.”
Your stomach falls out your butt as you realize you shared your Slack conversation talking shit on half the people on this call.
Ignoring the little voice instead your head that’s telling you today is finally the day you get fired, you unshare, minimize your hot Slack goss, and pull up your PowerPoint.
Just as you open your mouth to start, you freeze in your chair, instantly filled with a quiet rage.
It’s that same god-awful sound coming from the same co-worker (you know them, we all know them) every single morning — the sloppy slurping and crunching of cereal for breakfast. By the sound of it, half soggy Honey Nut Cheerios to be exact.
You quietly promise yourself to email your co-worker a link to a very real whitepaper in a very real medical journal that proves Misophonia is a very real thing that you (probably) have.
You take a deep breath and the next 30 minutes are vicious cycle of:
“We lost you for a second. Can you repeat that?”
“You’re still on mute. What was that?”
“Sorry, my internet sucks? What did you say?”
After (somehow) trudging through and sticking your landing, you get a little too excited and accidentally click, “End Call.”
With only five minutes left, you frantically jump back on just in time to hear:
“Sounds good to me. Let’s move tomorrow’s call to seven 7 AM instead.”
After waving goodbye (why do you always do that?), you head straight to the kitchen, open another bottle of wine, and pour the whole thing into your oversized coffee mug.
Time for your next video call…