Member-only story
Mind the Reality Gap
Thoughts On My First Depressive Breakdown
Trigger warning: This story contains content about anxiety and depression.
I couldn’t stop crying.
For the first time in my life, I was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my home office, squeezing myself as hard as possible, and I was sobbing like there was no one else around for miles.
After a few minutes, I tried crawling to my knees, but it was as if ropes had shot out from the carpet, crossed over my back, and pulled me back down.
I could do nothing but give in and lay there.
Through the tears, I tried checking in with myself to see what I was feeling. Was I anxious? Sad? Depressed?
None of these felt exactly right. They seemed too…neat. Too tidy.
The only word that came remotely close was numb. Despite heaving and shaking, my entire body felt like an empty husk.
Looking back, I realized it had been quite some time since I last cried, and even then, it hadn’t been nearly this much.
I hadn’t cried this much after witnessing my wife’s first epileptic seizure seven years ago.
I hadn’t cried this much after my dad died a few years back.
