The 8 Questions We’re All Tired of Hearing During COVID
Life is crazy right now.
Forests have been burning, hurricanes are still popping up left and right, and we can’t decide if it’s safer to stay inside or outside.
2020 felt like one big game of The Sims being played by a ten-year-old sadist who just wants to watch the (digital) world burn and we’re still doing our best to get by one day at a time.
If you’re like me, then you’ve found yourself answering the same questions in a Groundhog Day-esque loop for most of the year:
How are you?
You would think after almost a year, we would all have a fine-tuned answer to this routine question, but it literally changes every few hours. One minute, you’re perfectly content working from home with your furry interns and the next, you’re rage-scrolling through Instagram after seeing a targeted ad with discounted Southwest flights. Dick move, Zuckerberg. Dick move.
What’ve you been up to?
That’s a great question (that you still don’t have an answer to). When you’re not failing at work/life balance, you’re falling in love with Peter (and those big, watery eyes) as he magically materializes 25 mini cube cakes made with pistachios and raspberry mousse (#GBBO), wondering how hard it would be to start a foodstagram account recreating every “Burger of the Day” from Bob’s Burgers, and reliving the glory that is the British elite as they talk shit on each other (with amazing accents). In other words, wasting wayyy too much time watching TV.
Are you working from home?
I mean sure, technically you’re at home, but you’re not sure how much actual work is getting done considering you’re busy homeschooling two children, making sure your pups aren’t ruining the new rug, knocking out a few loads of laundry, figuring out what you’re having for dinner, and planing fun surprises to keep your relationship alive. But the short answer? Yup.
What’d you do last weekend?
There’s no point in pretending anymore — we all know this is a thinly veiled attempt to judge each other based on our responsible weekend decisions (or lack thereof). Why don’t you just come clean and ask, “Did you do anything stupid?” At this point, we treat COVID like sex: we want to know how many people you’ve been with, were your wearing protection, and were you doing anything crazy (you know, like having inside orgies as opposed to the outdoor variety)?
Where are you going to go first?
You would like to say somewhere exotic but at this point, you’ll settle for anywhere that isn’t the prison that has become your apartment. A weekend getaway in Branson, Missouri? Sure, why not? Driving through the barren wasteland that is Kansas? Sign me up! Visiting your in-laws (you know, the ones who still take maskless selfies with their MAGA hats as they eat out at a Cracker Barrel)? Yeah…you should probably stay home. You know, just in case there’s another surge in cases…
Can you see my screen?
You mean the one you’re sharing with us after your clicked, “Share Screen”? To be fair, we’re all deathly afraid of sharing the “wrong screen” (Not that screen! No one should be doing that during work). We’re talking about your Amazon cart (you might’ve done a little drunk shopping last night) or your Spotify account (who doesn’t like listening to WAP while they scroll through endless Excel sheets?) Either way, clicking, “Share All” is a recipe for disaster.
Are you in line?
Nope, I’m just standing here with a full cart six feet behind the person in front of me just to piss you off. After all, I already did all of my grocery shopping online — the only reason I’m here is to create one more obstacle between you and the comfort of your own home. Now if you don’t mind, would you please back up a few steps so I can’t feel you literally breathing down my neck?
Why are you wearing a mask?
That’s a good question! Maybe it’s because I was stupid enough to come over to see you when I know you’ve been hitting up that new bar that has “outdoor seating” (i.e. They crammed a bunch of picnic tables under an inclosed tent). Maybe it’s because the only time I would ever call myself an “anti-masker” is when I’m forced to watch that god-awful Jim Carrey movie. Maybe it’s because I believe in a little thing called science. Either way, how about you just worry about you (since apparently you’re not worried about anyone else).