Remote Working Badges
You Took a Shower!
Some of you might be thinking, “Why even bother?” After all, it’s just you at home and it’s not like people in your videochat will notice. Your spouse/puppy/kitten/neighbor can smell you and they salute you for having standards when it comes to your personal hygiene. You did the damn thing and are ready to take on the rest of your day! Nevermind it took you until 4:30 p.m. to hop in the shower only to replace your sweatpants with another, cleaner pair. Speaking of which…
You Put On Pants!
OK, let’s not fool ourselves — they’re sweatpants, but they’re still pants. At least they aren’t pajamas. Wait, you slept in them? Hm…well your team won’t notice during your morning video chat (as long as you aren’t calling them from bed). If you are, don’t forget to hang up that green screen behind you and so you can digitally project your home office (because this is wayyy easier than just putting on pants).
You Remembered to Hit Mute!
You avoided the cardinal sin of video calls: leaving your mic on when you’re not talking. We’ve all been there the first few times, but eventually, someone calls you out and you decide never to experience that sort of scorching embarrassment ever again. After all, you don’t want to be the reason your whole team discovers they have misophonia after hearing you chew your breakfast. And no, they also don’t want to hear your dog constantly barking in the background, no matter how cute it is. Now if only you could only mute people in real life…
You Worked an Entire Day Without Netflix!
Against astronomical odds, you kept you TV off while you blew through your entire Monday! Despite the video chats that should’ve been emails or the emails that could’ve easily been answered during a video chat, you never gave in. You must have the willpower of Gandhi during Super Bowl Sunday because not many others could make it through a whole day without an episode (or ten) of The Office. Hell, thanks to this little ditty, you probably watch more Netflix at work than you do at home.
You Didn’t Kill Your Spouse!
With everything going one, there’s a good chance you’re both working from home right now which means you’re getting plenty of quality time together. In fact, you weren’t aware that “too much quality time together” was a thing until you both had simultaneous video calls and realized neither of you is able to control the volume of their voice. You’re quickly learning how much of a mistake it was to choose an apartment with an open layout. You also recently learned your spouse is a little too gung ho about their team’s “synergy goals.” You can Amazon Prime soundproof temporary cubicles, right?
You Made the Coffee!
It’s a thankless job, but someone has to do it. After being licked awake by your fur baby at 6 a.m. and being farted on by your spouse, that brave soul was you. You swallowed your pride, hauled your ass to the kitchen, and took 15 minutes to figure out how to turn on that specialty coffee maker you got as a wedding gift. Even though the instructions appear to be in Sanskrit, you put two and two together and…oh hell…let’s be honest — you ended up getting someone from Postmates to deliver Starbucks straight to your front door and took all of the credit.
You Took a Walk!
It’s easy to forget, but you looked up and remembered there’s a great big world on the other side of those windows. You set your status to “Away,” changed out of those slippers, and took your best buddy for a walk around the block. All of a sudden, work doesn’t seem all that bad! The moment you stepped outside, the air tasted sweeter, the sun shined on your face a little warmer, and cleaning up your furry friend’s turd did seem as…damn it…you forgot the poop baggies. Oh well, you know you’re not the only one, which is exactly why you volunteered to be head of the neighborhood watch.
You Didn’t Fudge Your Hours!
We all know when it comes to clocking hours, it’s tempting to fib just a little. Luck for your boss, your sense of morality is stronger than The Rock’s appetite during his weekly cheat day. You kept track of every second of every minute of every hour of every week…except the 157 minutes you spent in the bathroom this week doing God knows what. You know what? We’ll count it since you brought your laptop in with you. Wait and second…
You Hosted a Virtual Happy Hour!
Just because your team is working from home doesn’t mean you have to drink alone! You showed initiative and hosted your team’s first fully remote happy hour (i.e. you expensed the unnecessary cost of upgrading to Zoom Enterprise which can include 500 people when your team only has seven). Once 4 p.m. hit, you all banned any work-related chit chat and forced everyone to play Never Have I Ever…which quickly devolved into rating your fellow coworkers. Needless to say, this was your first (and last) virtual happy hour. Maybe you should’ve waited until 4 p.m. to start drinking…