What Your Twitter Bio Says About You
Ah, yes. The elusive Twitter bio.
As the resumé for the 21st century, this 160-character blurb can make or break your digital first impression. Nowhere else will you find such an urge to overshare every single hobby or interest you’ve ever had all for the sake of appearing more interesting than you really are. For the sake of saving face, here’s what you’re really saying with your Twitter bio.
You rave about your love for French cuisine on Yelp which, coincidentally, is where you learned foie gras isn’t a self-defense technique created by the Israel Defense Forces.
Your education was a blurry mix of Photoshop tutorials on YouTube and late-night X-Acto knife sessions which all led you to where you are today: the foremost expert on hand lettering invitations for your friends’ weddings.
Your friends are tired of you correcting their drunk texts, you’ve self-published an e-book on Amazon, and you’ve crushed NaNoWriMo three years and counting.
You make a living from charging everyone you’ve ever met to meet at a bar and talk about how much they all hate their jobs.
You constantly remind your friends with “real” jobs that you’re too progressive to work for a corporation over the drinks they buy you during happy hour.
See “Freelancer,” but with more debt.
Your Instagram is filled with self-quotes that look like you hired a 5-year-old with an affinity for Microsoft Paint.
You bought most of your followers from a click farm in India and now B-list brands send you knockoff Uggs in exchange for sharing their #ad.
Your friends do their best to ignore you at brunch while you stand on your chair, wasting 10 minutes snapping the perfect shot of your eggs benny.
You played football/basketball/baseball/softball/golf in high school but drank too much in college, so now you now take out your aggression on young professionals during beer league kickball.
Social Media Expert
Your business is based around reminding Baby Boomers to post consistently on Instagram for their handmade jewelry business. Yes, Instagram. No, not Myspace. Not even Tom uses that anymore.
You spend your nights and weekends (and a few too many sick days) verbally harassing five-year-old noobs on Fortnite while you stream all of the carnage on Twitch.
You got a B.S. in Marketing, you worship every single word Tim Ferriss has ever written, and somehow, you convinced a local startup that you can help them 10x their revenue in only three months.
Your entire feed is nothing but photos of you touching your face shot by amateur photographers (a.k.a. your friends using “Portrait Mode” on
You consider yourself to be some combination of the above and constantly remind everyone by spamming their feeds with a new Medium post each week.